Loving from the Inside, Out.

above the clouds

This morning I found it.  That long standing vibration that had been eluding me for years.  Lodged deep within my pelvis and hips and spine.  It spoke to me.  It said, “unworthy.”  I realized I did not love myself.
The vibration beneath all of the pain I’d been experiencing lately in my body felt like loathing.  Self loathing.  And I realized the opposite of Love was not Hate.  It was self loathing.   It was an inside job.

I needed to love this pain.  I needed to love me.  This one was slippery because it made no real sense to me that I did not love myself.  I’m funny, talented, sensitive, caring.  I have passion for life.  Who wouldn’t love that?

It dawned on me that as all feelings begin as vibrations, this one had been received by proximity.  Some of the  encounters and people in my early life carried the vibrations of loathing and shame.  I was taught to live this story.  I played like a tuning fork.  By holding back and pushing away feelings, I nurtured this low vibration, and it became my story.  And the farther down I pushed it.

All this talk about Divine Love has been stirring my internal soup.  For months as deep as I could go was anger, with an occasional dip into despair and grief.  The loathing hinted around itself while I mostly snarled at the pain in my body.
And this morning something changed.  A way fell open for me to see.  To feel.  The vibration spoke its name.  And I could see my way through to let it rise.  From the depths of loathing I could find my way up the ladder.  The hand reaching from above was my own.

I started reciting all the things I love about my body, its fortitude and flexibility….  I understood that nurturing and caring for myself would raise this vibe up out of the basement.  I began to feel a lift.  I could love me.
That love was inside of me.  I could love myself.  All that Love I was showering on everyone else…I could shower that on me too.

I do love myself — and, I have been carrying a contradictory vibration deep within — that has kept me from knowing that love was already inside myself.
It kept me searching outward for praise and affection.  I had found some, but nothing that compared to that feeling of Divine pleasure that comes from a deep knowing of the vibration of Love.  I could partner with this Divine flow, and love myself from the inside, out.


3 Responses to “Loving from the Inside, Out.”

  1. jeff sharp Says:

    YES! i love this post! it makes so much sense to me in this moment. this was timely for me. you read the same thing or hear the same thing over and over again, but until you read it or hear it in the exact moment that you need it, it’s just noise. but in that moment of awakening and true listening, it makes perfect sense. i’ve made self-loathing a distant relative that i only visited every so often when it was necessary but i never paid it much attention. my ego somehow kept us apart, but it was still affecting me. i like the word you used, “slippery”. that’s what it has been for me too. but maybe today i’ve taken hold of that hand too and will rise out of it. many blessings on your journey through this and thank you so much for sharing so that others may benefit.

  2. Judy Says:

    Thank you!!

  3. Mary G Says:

    Watching your journey with awe. Blessings brave one.

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